


Why we stay, why we leave, why we come back

by 1000lux



Series: Varied Scenes [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending: Swan Song, Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, M/M, Post Swan Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 11:30:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/1000lux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Story is set around the end the last episodes of season 5 and the beginning of season 6. It's<br/>a story about the turn of events if Dean and Cas had been a couple at that time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why we stay, why we leave, why we come back

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction, I own neither rights to the characters nor to the series.
> 
>  
> 
>  This is my first fanfiction. It is un-beta'd and I'm from Germany so there are probably some mistakes in it.  
> The 'text' mark thoughts. The ~~~text~~~ indicates that the scene is set in the past. The quotes are taken from the Supernatural fan wiki. The conversation at the end of episode 22 is slightly changed.

"Cas? How do you think all this will end?", Dean's voice sounded hollow.

"If our cause is just, we will win in the end.", Castiel said with his usual calm voice, devoid of any  
doubt. Dean only laughed weakly at that.

"How can you be so sure? God isn't there anymore, or if he's there he's stopped listening. I never  
believed in God and now that I do, I realise he's gonna do nothing, nothing at all. When his children  
are mauling each other."

"God brought me back several times, and he brought you back. He still cares.", Castiel said  
cupping Dean's cheek, "It was never easy for those chosen by him, to see his plans, but you will."

Dean snorted. God or no God, it didn't really matter to him anymore. Somewhere along the way  
he'd lost his fighting spirit. These days he only felt tired. Tired and hopeless.

"I don't know, Cas. Is there really a point in fighting on. The angels want the apocalypse, the devil  
wants the apocalypse. And Sammy? I can't rely on him any longer. I can't trust him. He's chosen  
a demon over me before. When will he do it again? When will be the next time his craving for  
blood is just too strong."

"You have me, Dean. And you will always have me."

"Only you. You're all that's left.", Dean pulled Castiel into a kiss. Clinging to him with the desperation  
of someone drowning. Castiel returned the kiss, holding onto Dean tightly.

****************************

"It's funny. I never thought we'd be able to share our experiences about Dean, in this way.", Anna  
laughed wiggling her eyebrows, "You of all people, Castiel."

"I turned on my family for him. I won't forsake him. I'll be at his side till the end."

"My, my. You sound quite smitten. But I understand, he's easy to fall for and hard to turn away.  
With his cheeky little boy charm and his sorrow of the world puppy eyes."

"Can't you be serious for even a second."

"But I am serious. We might all be dead soon enough. So cherish the time you have with him.  
And don't fool yourself. What you feel for him is not concern or maybe respect. You love him.  
And how could you not."

****************************

Five months since the world didn't end.  
Sam was trapped together with the devil. Castiel had abandoned him and gone back to heaven. The world was still there. So what?  
There was nothing left for Dean. Sam had asked him to go back to her, but there was not really  
a point in doing so. 

Maybe he should go out and get drunk and get laid. Or maybe he should just fall asleep in his  
greasy motel-room bed, and never wake up again.  
Maybe he should cry, like he'd cried after they were gone. Every person he loved. Gone.  
"Maybe you should have just left me in hell, Cas." He'd started talking to Cas, as if he was still  
there. It was only another sign for his mental decay. But hey, maybe he could hear him.  
Though there was probably no use in it. He'd left. He'd left him. So he was probably just making  
a fool of himself, by still thinking that maybe Castiel cared.

He'd thought maybe if he drank enough, maybe if he'd fucked enough, he'd feel something again.  
But he didn't. 

He thought about the last time he and Castiel had fucked. Those days when every morning could  
have been the last. When Castiel had been the only thing tying him to sanity.  
He remembered the time he'd taken Castiel to a brothel, where he'd fucked up so royally. Yeah, Cas  
always could make him laugh. He'd been the only one he'd ever been able to show weakness  
around. Cas had made him feel safe. When he'd held him all through some of those nights, when he was crying. 

He remembered the time just in the beginning. When Cas had told him that he had doubts too,  
that he didn't know any longer what was right.

He remembered when he'd given up hope, wanting to leave everything behind him. When Cas  
had found him, beating him up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"What, are you crazy?"

"I rebelled for this?! So that you could surrender to them?"

"Cas! Please!"

"I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me. "  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that they'd fucked for the first time.. Funny, he didn't know who'd been more shocked by  
this turn of events, him or Cas.  
Sammy had hooked up with a demon, he'd hooked up with an angel. Kinda ironic. Well, he hadn't  
been the first angel he'd slept with. The first man though.

He hadn't expected it to end like this. Maybe with one of them dead, or both of them, but like  
this...? He had to laugh at himself. Obviously he'd been the only one who'd felt like it had been  
something real between them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are you gonna do now?"  
'Stay with me'

"Return to Heaven, I suppose."

"Heaven?"  
'Stay!'

"With Michael in the Cage, I'm sure it's total anarchy up there."

"Just like that? You just leave?!"  
'I don't care! I don't care!! Don't leave!'

"It's my calling. God gave me this new life for a purpose."

"Wow. God gives you a brand-new, shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again."

"I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just... seems like the right thing to do."

"Well, if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next."

"You're angry."

"That's an understatement."

"He helped. Maybe even more than we realize."

"That's easy for you to say. He brought you back. But what about Sam? What about me, huh?  
Where's my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole!"

What he didn't say was, 'And now he's taking you away from me too'.

"You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it,  
Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?"

"Fuck you, Cas."  
'You. If nothing else I want at least you to stay with me.' 

But he wasn't brave enough to say it. Then suddenly without further warning, Castiel was gone.

"Well, you really suck at goodbyes, you know that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He missed him with a vengeance.  
The world hadn't ended but it felt like it, for Dean. The alcohol failed to dull the pain sufficiently,  
these days.

"I wanna die, Cas.", he told the empty darkness of his motel room. This time the darkness  
answered.

"Don't, don't Dean.", arms were engulfing him, "Don't say that, Dean."

"Cas?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry", Castiel was planting kisses on Dean's face, "Forgive me, that I wasn't there. I  
thought my place was somewhere else now. I thought I had a purpose a destination."

"Oh god. Not again. I barely drank today. Probably I've just gone crazy now." Alcohol induced  
hallucinations were just what he needed right now.

"What are you talking about? It's me, Dean."

"Yeah right. You came flying down all the way from heaven, with your shiny new wings, just to  
see me. But now that you're already here...", Dean kissed him.

Five months, and now Cas came down just like this. He'd talked to him all this time. Sometimes,  
when the mortification was numbed enough through alcohol and desperation, he'd even begged  
him to come back. And now he popped out just like that. Dean had to laugh at the absurdity of  
the whole situation.  
Castiel just pulled him closer, murmuring into his ear.

"Shh, it's going to be alright, Dean."

"Kiss me, Cas."

***************************

Dean woke up in the morning. The sun was shining into the room. Normally he kept the curtains closed.  
Castiel was leaning against the window frame, watching the bed.

"Do you feel a little bit more like talking today?"

"Oh, you didn't just run off, after a quick fuck. Should I feel honored."

"Don't ridicule this, Dean.", Castiel frowned, "I want to talk seriously."

"I was maybe not in the mood for talking last night, but I don't think there's much to say anyway.  
You left me. Voluntarily."

"It was a mistake."

"No excuses? No 'there where more important matters involved'?"

"There is nothing more important than you."

"Why, Cas. You make me swoon.", his voice was bitter.

"What does that mean, Dean? Are you telling me to leave?"

"You sure picked the right time, to be empathically deaf."

"If you want me to leave, I'll leave."

Dean laughed, "I don't want anything anymore."

"But...we won.", Castiel looked at Dean with confusion showing in his eyes, "You should rejoice.  
I thought by now you'd see it. I thought you just needed time..."

"What's there to rejoice about?!", Dean asked exasperated, "The death of my brother? The fact  
that the only person I thought I could rely on left me?"

"I didn't do it to purposely hurt you." Castiel didn't know how to react. This was all so...He wasn't  
used to such situations. But somehow he seemed to make it all wrong. He was used to  
everyone having an assigned position. Always knowing what was expected. He'd given it up for  
Dean. Dean never reacted as you'd expect him. And even this break of the rule was nothing  
continuous. No matter how long he watched Dean, no matter how long he studied him. There  
were no rules he could make out, no patterns that could have guided Castiel around him. He  
thought all the time he'd spent on earth, spent with Dean had taught him something, but he  
was still as inept in such situations as he'd always been.

"Why did you come back, Cas?", Dean asked with a deadpan voice.

"Isn't that obvious? Because of you."

"Yeah? Why?"

Still Dean's face betrayed no emotion. That was unusual for him. Dean almost  
always showed emotion. His voice, his face, his body. Pictures of Dean's body on his own, flashed in  
front of Castiel's eyes. One of his hands brushing over one of Castiels sweaty temples. Laughing  
at Castiel's confusion over his bodily reactions. Murmuring something stupid into his ear, that would  
make him laugh too.

'Why?'. It was a simple enough question. Why had he rebelled against his family for Dean? Why  
had he felt, he could talk to him about things he barely dared to think? Why had he done things  
with him, he knew were forbidden? Why had he come back for him?

He thought about the bumpy way that lay past them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Who are you?"

"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition."

~~~

" I brought you out of hell, I can throw you back in."

~~~

"Do you think the armies of heaven have nothing better to do but follow you around?"

~~~

"Destiny? Don't give me that 'holy' crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor,  
stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know  
what's real? People, families - that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?"

"What is worth saving?! I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your  
anger, confusion... In Paradise all is forgiven. You'll be at peace."

~~~

"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved."

"Why'd you do it?"

"Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Why', it was always 'Why' with Dean. Back then he'd felt nothing for Dean. He'd just done his  
duty. This time no one had commanded him. He'd gotten a second chance with his brothers  
and he had decided to go back to earth.  
Dean. Dean was always so...how would he say, fucked up. Never believing in himself, always  
agonizing over the things he should have done. It was so unnerving. Castiel didn't understand  
him. Castiel didn't understand what Dean was on about, most of the time. Nevertheless they'd  
gotten along better and better with time.  
Dean had changed him. If for better or worse, he didn't know.  
He had had the opportunity to bring new order upon heaven. And yet he decided to go back into  
this strange, weak shell of meat, to be able to return to him.  
He'd seen Dean all those five months. He'd been aware of his torment. He didn't understand why  
Dean wouldn't go back to that woman, like he'd promised to Sam.  
Why he'd decided to stay alone in his misery.  
Yes, he had a lot of unanswered 'Why's too, when it came to Dean.

"Because I still see nothing but pain, guilt, anger and confusion inside you. And I want to see  
something else."

****************************

They were lying in bed. Castiel's fingers traced over Dean's naked back. 

"You know, you're brother is back."

Dean looked at Castiel, blinking several times.

"What?!"

"I said you're brother is back on earth."

Dean's face turned from dazed to angry in an instant. He gave Castiel a shove.

"And you only tell me now, you asshole!?"

"I didn't know either until a short time ago."

"What's a short time in your world?"

"Since yesterday."

"Is that the reason you came back?", Dean asked warily, "Just to tell me and then piss off again?"

"No, if it had been just about that, I would have send you a message some other way. I did come  
to stay. And you should know very well, there's never been a 'just' with you."

****************************

When Castiel opened the door, Sam was in front of it. They stared at each other. Sam's eyes  
wandering from Castiel, who he'd only ever seen in his trenchcoat, standing in front of him in  
boxer-shorts, to Dean who was lying in between crumpled sheets of what seemed to be the  
only bed in the room. A double-bed.

"That's probably not what it looks like.", Sam started slightly embarrassed. Maybe Castiel had lost  
his trenchcoat. Or maybe he'd always worn only boxer-shorts under it. He'd probably just visited  
Dean very early in the morning, because he had very important news.

Castiel looked at him with his usual serious face.

"I'm afraid it is exactly what it looks like."

Castiel was very proud of himself for getting what Sam had been hinting at. A year ago he  
wouldn't even have known what it looked like.

Inside the room Dean groaned, burying his face in a pillow.

***************************

"Sammy, I'm so fucking happy you're back again.", Dean hugged him for maybe the hundredth  
time, "How did you get out?! Castiel says he doesn't know."

"I don't know either."

"I missed you so much. I was a mess since you've been gone."

Sam threw a wry glance over to Castiel and then back at Dean.

"Oh yeah. I really feel your pain. "

 

_____________  
End


End file.
